Snarky Fairytales
by lescribble
Summary: Once upon a time in a ridiculously faraway kingdom called Showbiz Land, the villain and the maiden fell in love. Prince? What prince? He wasn't charming at all. -a series of twists on common fairytale elements-
1. The Villain and the Damsel

_It was a funny little game they played, where he pretended to be the villain and she pretended to be a damsel in distress. _

_He'd pretend to scare her shitless, and she'd pretend to run away in fear. _

The air suddenly became cold when his lips twisted into an angry snarl. "A kiss of so-so skill," he stated.

"Pardon?" Kyouko asked.

Ren pointed his finger toward her, "What you've experienced… is a kiss of _mere _so-so skills."

Her mouth opened to say some sort of anguished retort. She then closed it, unable to find anything to say. It opened, and closed again. Opened, and closed.

He let out a condescending laugh and moved toward her.

"Then…shall I teach you?" he whispered, dangerously twirling a lock of her hair through his fingers.

She jerked involuntarily, and instinctively flung her hand between them. "T-Teach me what?" she whimpered.

His voice had barely been a whisper, but she felt it creep down the back of her nape.

He grinned, gently moving her hand toward his lips. "The difference…" he enunciated, placing slow measured kisses on the tips of her fingers.

Kyouko's eyes widened in fear, that glint in his eyes was unmistakable. "Diff-?"

"…between a _lust_-driven kiss" he continued, "… and one filled with _love_." His other free hand soon found its way behind the small of her back.

"Though I must confess, that if it's _you_…" He tugged her closer, "I won't be able to differentiate them myself."

"-!"

Then he bent too close to her ear, "Either way, I can drive you wild."

_Because it's me, and because I'm damn good at it. _

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You bastard! Those are _my_ lines!" Fuwa practically looked feral as he interjected and attempted to step onto the stage.

Then someone gasped as a loud thud echoed through the studio. "Director!" All heads turned to where the director collapsed, apparently from faint.

The director meekly assured everyone that he was alright when he came to. He clasped his chest and muttered "the scene was just too intense."

Ignoring this, Fuwa further remarked at the couple's awkward position "You can let her go now. Are you deaf? Or are you stupid? The crewman already said 'Cut.'"

"A-ano… Tsuruga-san," the director began.

Ren loosened his hold on Kyouko after he realized that she wasn't speaking, much less breathing. She was limp (and almost dying) in his arms.

Her eyes were violently scrambling from one end to the other, like she wanted to scamper off… the way rabbits would.

"You mixed up your lines with Fuwa-kun. He's the one who's supposed to confess… to Kyouko-chan," the director clarified.

"Oh?" Tsuruga replied, after a pregnant pause. "My bad. I must have misread the script."

"Y-Yes." The director nodded apprehensively. "Please get it right the next time."

"Yes. Sorry." Ren said, and smiled so serenely that everyone else on set believed that it was an honest mistake.

Everyone else, except Yashiro, Shoutaro and Kyouko.

To them, Ren looked triumphant.

"How sneaky…" the manager remarked when they were out of earshot. "Setting the pace on that scene, there's no way Fuwa-kun can keep up now…"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ren stated simply.

Yashiro cocked one of his brows. "Don't play dumb now. It was suspicious for him to be in this drama at all. It's clear to me now, that he wanted to confess to Kyouko through an acting stint."

"…"

And then Yashiro disdained further. "But using your Casanova-skills on Kyouko-chan, she looked so scared! (and she probably didn't understand that it was a premeditated confession)."

Ren merely sighed, and gave a small nod. "Got it." He walked toward the young actress' dressing room. "I'll apologize properly."

"Confess, while you're at it," his manager teased.

_What foolishness they engaged themselves in, desperately trying to keep that distance between them._

As soon as she opened the door, (with a cursing candle attached to her forehead) he casually 'explained' in some creative, twisted manner why he erred.

She accepted it as the 'truth', because it was Tsuruga-san and because she refused to take the confession as is.

_These pretensions are of course, futile, or should i say idiotic._

_Since it was painfully obvious... that they were helplessly in love._

Yashiro was pleased, when they both came back to the set looking happy.

Ren's eyes looked a little more softly at her and her cheeks harbored a luminescent blush which she desperately tried to hide.

_Truth was, he's not such a bad guy as he thinks himself to be. And she doesn't need saving at all. _

_They just haven't realized that yet._

[A/N: I leave Sho's cussing to your imaginations.].


	2. The Paradox of He and She

_"Mogami-san, what do you think will happen when an __unstoppable force__ collides with an __immovable entity__?"_

_The question was asked so surreptitiously at an LME Christmas party, that I had no way of knowing what his purpose was. Plus he's weird, really, the LME President… so maybe the question was totally random, and had no point or value._

_"Huh?" I said. _

_He had on a knowing smile, like he knew something was bound to happen. Something huge. He was looking so intently at Tsuruga-san, so I wondered whether he was expecting a reply from me at all. When the President turned to look at me, I still couldn't say anything and allowed the confusion, painted clearly on my face, to convey exactly that. He chuckled freely and answered the question himself. _

_"Imagine a girl, so head-strong and determined that she will not fail. She will stand her ground no matter what, never stepping back, facing life chin up." _

_"Ah! An ojou-sama!" I perked. Is that where this is going?_

_He nodded, and placed his hand on my shoulder. "But she refuses to be moved, by love, of all things. She is, the __**immovable entity**__." He paused. "Now here comes a boy, equally head-strong and determined that he will win. He will push forward, whatever the circumstances, always improving, facing the challenges head on. He truly is, an __**unstoppable force**__-" I instinctively glanced to where Tsuruga-san was and desperately hoped that he would come save me. _

_But that probably wasn't a good idea. _

_Because when our eyes met, the warning sirens rang a little more loudly in my head. _

_Still, the President was being scary as he did his monologue. He was… too excited. He was shaking me urgently and when I turned to face him, he continued._

_"Yes yes. The girl will definitely brace herself for the impact, as the guy deliberately charges at her, full force. The moment they collide is a battle! Oh my, it seems as if only destruction awaits either of the two. After all, their natures already render them incompatible, right? So it's impossible, right? - Wrong."_

_"Y-yes. Wrong. Umm… What?" I understand this conversation less and less._

_"I have a hunch," he said, placing his thumb on his jaw "that because your collision is orchestrated by a force stronger than any other emotion in existence, it will result in pure harmony instead of destruction … an endless transfer of energy."_

_"… an endless transfer..."_

_He smiled. "That, my dear, is love." And then he looked up. "Ahh, here he comes now." _

_When Tsuruga-san came over and asked what the President wanted, I apologized saying I couldn't make out any of the cryptic messages myself. _

_But truth be told, when the President described the immovable entity, it wasn't so hard to see myself. Or was it just my imagination?_

_Tsuruga-san's brows slightly crinkled into a curious frown. "What is it, Mogami-san?" I heard him ask._

_And just like that, I felt that time was at a standstill - not a feeling that I like at all._

_I remember the President saying that it was a battle. _

_The unstoppable force wants to prove that he is truly unstoppable, and the immovable entity will try to prove that she is truly immovable. Like a car heading straight for the the wall, it's either the car is destroyed, or the wall cracks._

_I will not crack. This, I am certain of. This, I will believe._

_"… Ah, it's nothing," and I drew my hands together. "Don't mind me."_

_He gave me a look that said he knew it wasn't 'nothing,' but he was gonna let it go, for now._

_On my part, at least for now, there are no visible cracks. _

_**[A/N: NOT a fairytale parody, I know, the next chapter will explain why this story is placed here / idea taken from a Philosophy class]**_


	3. The Dragon and the Virgin

_Once upon a time, there lived a dragon, a maiden and a prince._

_The dragon terrorized the kingdom until a sufficiently pleasing virgin was offered to him._

_At which point the valiant prince would arrive, to slay the dragon and then marry the girl._

_This is not one such story._

_Here, the dragon falls in love with the maiden. And the maiden finds the dragon more charming than the prince._

_And what happens to the prince, you say?_

_Well..._

~o~

The process was so gradual you barely realized it had already begun.

Just months ago you were thinking how blatantly plain, boring and unappealing she was, just like the life you used to live with your parents.

You watch her smile as she lovingly prepares that pudding for you. "Here you go, Sho-chan!" She giggles.

It bothers you for a bit, that you feel nothing but apathy towards this scene, as if there were a lingering taste of unsatisfaction.

Then you shrug it off. She's not that important anyway.

One day though, you hear something interesting. _"Tsuruga-san's latest movie just landed on the theaters as a box-office hit. Oh my, Japan's Number 1 seems to be in danger as this guy is sprinting all the way to the top!"_

For all you care the newscasters could praise and fawn about the bastard all day. It's nothing to you, until you hear similar the blasphemy from her as well.

"Hmm. He certainly looks cool," she says from beside you.

The remark was so innocent, it shouldn't be taken seriously.

But your mouth involuntarily ticks a little, and you cock your brow. "Oi oi. His face looks as if he's got no talent at all! All of his so-called fans are just blinded!"

She stops, looks at you with wonder. "W-Well of course! Sho-chan is the coolest!" she gushes.

"Tch," you say. How typical of her. Yet you find it unsettling that her offhanded comment irritates you, even for just a moment.

And suddenly months turn to years and the years are filled with emptiness.

It surprises you, that the girl you thought you've always known turned out to be a complete stranger. And yet, she is still her.

And you?

What about you?

You could only stand there, watching her, mouth agape as she passes down that red carpet hallway.

Her smile was so radiant; her cheeks dashed with a hint of a blush… and her eyes… her eyes spoke of nothing but love.

… But it's not for you, not anymore.

Immediately you think, that this is all a bad nightmare - that this isn't how it's supposed to be.

You want to say something. Anything. It's hard to swallow. You can't find your voice, nor your courage.

Before you know it, she was already standing before _him._

You just happened to be in a wrong spot, at the wrong time.

You happened to make the wrong choices.

"Oh. Shoutaro," she says as if noticing you for the first time. "You came," and then she smiles.

It's genuine, from the pleasure of seeing you there as a childhood friend. That's why it hurts even more.

Wasn't it just yesterday when her whole world was consumed by you?

"Yeah," you reply. It was all you could muster.

"Ah. Fuwa-kun" said a man to your left.

"You have something to say to my wife?" his tone was inquiring and gentle, not at all threatening like before.

You whirl around, a retort forming on your lips. _"What wife? You're not married yet! You cocky bastard."_

But you can't bring yourself to say it. It's just a few more minutes till that became a reality anyway.

So why did you bother showing up in the first place?

You don't know.

Maybe you don't want to know.

Like an insecure little child, you ask something else entirely random, the way a kid would to provoke a playground fight.

"You're fucking blonde?"

The other man brushes this aside. "Ahh, yeah." Then he chuckles good-naturedly. "Actually, this is my real hair-color, so…"

His elation was so clear, something that you didn't need to ascertain.

You could fully seduce Kyouko the moment he leaves. You can convince her to forget the wedding… to remember Kyoto… to love you again -

Is that why you came?

This is a very real possibility. But _he_ certainly does not find the prospect fearful.

"Anyway," he says "I'll see you both later," fixing his eyes gently at Kyouko. His gaze spoke volumes, and then he turned to leave.

Shou's lip slightly twisted into a bittersweet frown. It was so obvious.

He has fully taken hold of Kyouko. There was no way for you to step-in anymore.

So again, why did you come?

She too was confused, her face expectant.

But really, without asking yourself you probably know the reason why.

You just didn't want to believe it till the last minute.

"As your lifelong friend," you begin, despite the stab you put yourself through "I'm still so dumbstruck that the boring you could be this- this- beautiful."

She huffed indignantly, her haughty nose in the air. "Boring? - Sheesh, Shoutaro. Don't be an ass on my wedding. But because you said I was beautiful, I'll forgive you."

She smiles yet again.

You've seen her smile so many times, seen her get angry, shout, cry - a multitude of other expressions. But right now, there was a different bliss that danced on her face.

Despite yourself, you can't help but smile too.

"I just wanted to wish you good luck, on your married life."

There. A wish of happiness for her - the simple truth.

You instinctively reach out, crush her in a last desperate embrace, the silence echoes with all the words you wanted to say, never got around to, and probably never will.

But that's alright.

She understands.

Love. Longing. Regret. Forgiveness. Happiness. Sorrow.

You could only curse yourself for taking too long to realize.

~o~

_Once upon a time, there lived a dragon, a maiden and a prince._

_The prince set out to destroy the dragon, dragging a poor maid behind as a sacrifice._

_As he dallied too long with the ale and the merriment, he failed to realize that the dragon turned about and secured his hold on the maiden once more._

_He walks at first, dumbstruck. Then he jogs trying to catch up._

_Finally he scampers desperately as the dragon begins to flap his wings._

_And then he falls, gloriously; his arm was outstretched._

_He gets up, stares at them flying off into a distance beyond his reach._

_And the prince could only stand by watching helplessly, as he realized that the dragon he hoped to slay had already taken hold of his heart, and won._

[A/N: If you're still reading till this point, I'd just like to say: "Gaah. Sorry if you were expecting a continuation for Chapter 2 here and didn't receive so… but I decided to make the continuation an entirely different fic [separate from here.] Anyway, I hope you'll read that too. Thank you."]


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